Author: Jaxx

I bottle up feelings a lot. So this blog allows me to not go crazy.

Old Friend

Hello old friend…

How are you?

It’s been a while since you’ve visited me last…

I’ll admit I have been waiting. Thinking you forgot about me but you didn’t.

Did you visit others before coming back to me? Make them feel what you make me feel?

I sure hope not. They shouldn’t know how it feels.

How the feel of your cold caress dances on my skin. The dark embrace you love to encase me in. How the kisses you lay upon me make me feel alone, distant, insignificant. No, they shouldn’t know how it feels.

You can’t stay long now, no matter how familiar you are to me. I need some light soon. Do you hear me?

Don’t worry, I’ll let everyone believe I’m fine while you are here. Fake a smile from ear to ear.

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Suffocating

Your grip has been tight over the years, but now it’s gotten tighter. It hurts, please let go.

Your presence has always been overbearing, but now it’s worse. You’re suffocating me. Please, let me go.

Each breath I take is labored, calculated, small. I’m trying not to lose it all.

Why can’t you let me go? Be free? Let me see the world as I need. Don’t cut my wings before I take my leave.

This has gone too far. I’m suffocating! Please, just let me go.

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How’d you get under my skin?

Started with a dance on a chilly Saturday night. Thought it would be a one time thing but you kept coming back. Then we started talking. How’d you get under my skin?

I started to get attached while my guard is up. How?

Then you disappeared which made me rethink. How’d you get under my skin?

While you were radio silent, I tried to stop thinking about you. How’d you get under my skin?

I couldn’t stop. How’d you get under my skin?

You appeared again, we got to talking, hanging out which lead to getting attached even more. How?

You snuck your way underneath my skin and I can’t get you out. My guard is crumbling, I don’t like this feeling. Is my heart ready to be broken again?

How’d you get under my skin?

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¿Y el novio? And the boyfriend?

It is the one question I try to avoid at all costs. One simple yet prying question that pops up at every family gathering. “Y el novio?” Why are family members so invested in a boyfriend being in your life? Why does Latin culture (or any culture) care so much about relationships?  Like hello! I graduated college with a degree pero all you care about is if si tengo novio?! In the latin culture mamas latinas protect their daughters more than their sons. Although they raise us to be strong, smart and proud they still think we are fragile compared to men. I believe it’s because most Latina moms were sheltered during their childhood, they try to shelter their daughters too.  I was not allowed to have a boyfriend for most of my life, because they would be a distraction to my studies and only lead to bad things, like wanting sex from you and leave, or get you pregnant and not help you take care of the child. Growing up, I was given many other “reasons” to just avoid relationships. This is not to say I did not date; Mama let me have one boyfriend in high school but it didn’t last long (a week), and when it was over, she made sure to emphasize her reasons to not date. I did have a boyfriend in college, the time I could officially start dating. We dated for almost 2 years but things didn’t end too well. Now that I’m out of college and single my mom doesn’t seem to like it much. Cada vez que my uncles or cousins suggest going out, she says, “Vaya, de pronto te encuentras un novio.” I wish she means it as a joke but sadly, she’s serious. “Será que eres lesbiana?”, she will jokingly say, knowing que me gusta los hombres. “Creo que tú tienes un problema, no los hombres.” No tengo un problema, thank you very much. Honestly there is nothing wrong with wanting to be single for a while. I’m happy, carefree and glowing. This is an adventure that I want to explore more, find out things about myself that I have yet to know. 

Does a man really have to be in my life in order for me to be accepted as fully successful?

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